The Zac Files

Early Draft of Tiger Woods Speech February 19, 2010

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Facebook friends, yes, but that still counts. And I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish poking I engaged in. Not only with some of the people in this room, but with the dozens and dozens of others no one has found out about.

[REMEMBER: resist the urge to wink at attractive women in the audience]

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. The truth is, I never thought I’d get caught. And believe me, nobody is more disappointed about that than I am.

[fake an emotional sniffle right about here]

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come in the form of a large cash settlement paid in small installments over the next several years.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room, some of you even several times in one night. Others, in the form of burning and itching. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally, because I’m sure I’m the first athlete to ever have an extramarital affair.

[REMEMBER: NO WINKING!!]

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors and most importantly, the young female students I frequently brought up to my hotel room with promises of letting them see my big fat trophy, I’m sorry.  It was innuendo all along, innuendo I took pride in, and sadly, innuendo I can never use the same way again.

[DON’T WINK, DON’T WINK, DON’T WINK, DON’T WINK, DON’T WINK]

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night.

Elin never hit me that night or any other night.. But that could change at any moment, which is why I encourage all of you, my closest Facebook friends, to keep tabs on me in the days and weeks ahead. If you haven’t heard from me in a while, maybe send someone out to the house. If I answer the door and  appear really wide-eyed and suspicious when I say “Everything’s fine,” it’ll probably be because Elin is standing behind the door pointing a gun at me. Just play it off like its cool, then call the cops the minute you drive away.

Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame. So we’re cool now, right Elin?

[possibly a wink here, but only to Elin]

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules, apparently. I mean, everyone else does, but nooo, not Tiger. That’s cool. That’s fine. But let me warn all of my close athlete friends,  and yes, I’m looking in your direction Charles Barkley, if I can’t get away with it, there’s no way in HELL I’ll let you get away with it.  It’s the Chinese New Year, and we’re about to go from the year of the Tiger to the year of the rat.  The same boundaries that apply to me are about to apply to everyone.

I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my mistresses’ families, the families of the PGA staff I paid off to hide this from my wife, my friends, my Facebook friends,  the friends of my Facebook friends that can see their friend wrote something on my wall, and when they click on my profile to try to read it, they can’t because of my privacy settings and they get bummed out,  my teammates, especially their wives, Charles Grodin, Charles Grodin’s wife, and to my foundation and kids all around the world who admired me.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I want to say to all those families I am truly sorry that you’ll have to add a “Ways to Not Get Caught” chapter to your you-can-be-like-Tiger-Woods examples. Which, I might add, will be available March 23^rd at most Barnes and Noble stores.

[DON’T FORGET: Hold up book. Make sure guys in the back can see it.]

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a wife and a cheating husband that doesn’t want to lose most of what he has in an ugly-drawn out divorce. Especially since many of his sponsors are starting to pull out, and suddenly the money pool isn’t as deep for the luxuries he’s used to. Things like fixing broken Escalades or taking strange women to hotels, for example.

I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be. It could be a Thursday, could be a Friday. It could even be a Monday. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. No more making jokes about putting it in the hole.  No more telling Joe Durant I boned his wife right before the game just to screw with him. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin. I could care less.

Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. There’ll be money in it for you.

Thank you.

[hug your mother for photo op]

[remember to cancel rendezvous with bar skank from Thursday]