The Zac Files

Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Name Children March 26, 2010

There’s a disturbing trend emerging in this country, one that threatens to destroy the proverbial fabric of our society. While it may go ignored or completely unnoticed today, it’s guaranteed to become unavoidably evident in the years and decades to come. If we don’t do something about it soon, future generations may be all but doomed.

So what are we talking about? Childhood obesity? No. A complete disregard for grammatical accuracy in today’s youth? No (but that’s going to kill us too). Subpar quality of popular music?  Getting colder. Destructive throw of balance of our planet’s ecosystem? No, now you’re way off. The steady decline of the American economy? Please stop guessing. The problem is even worse, and could end the lives of children, in some cases, before they’re even born: parents who give their kids horrendously awful names.

Right now, it seems to be incredibly popular to go beyond the normal names of years past. We all know a John. A Jason. An Emily. A Sue. Every now and then you get a Seth. A Brooke. Those are normal names. But now, I hear parents calling their kids Aiden and Wryenne and Shaya, and unless these are some awesome new curses I have yet to find out about, I can only assume those are the kids’ names.

Now I don’t currently have children (though from a quick glance at Facebook, I’m apparently in the 3% of my high school graduating class of 200 that didn’t bother to before I hit 19), so I’ll acknowledge I’m in the minority. But some of these names… my God. What are these parents thinking?! It’s like they grabbed a handful of Scrabble tiles and tried to make what they could out of that. It’s like they found a way to personify a typo. I feel like if these kids ever used a computer, spell check would highlight their name every time and  just say “Seriously, WTF is this?”

Young parents, I can understand the reasons for wanting your kid’s name to stand out from all the others. Pushing a “Chris” in the stroller isn’t exactly fashionable; much cooler to have a Colten or a Jayden. I even know a person who wants to name her kid Nevaeh. Yeah, I get it… it’s heaven spelled backwards. I wonder how long it’ll take the novelty to wear—aaaand the novelty’s gone. But let’s not stray too far from the point that you, the parent, are clearly trying to make. It’s all about how YOU look. It’s not like these kids are bound to become individuals that will have to function on their own someday. They’re an accessory; may as well have a cool name.

Look, if you’re committed to the idea of inventiveness, at LEAST go all the way with it. Stop combining parts of other names into a mega-name. Give them a name that means something. Go all out. The following are a list of names that I feel have been overlooked in the recent give-my-kid-a-weird-ass-name trend.

Analog – With DTV in full effect, not to mention the growing popularity of satellite and cable, today’s kids won’t know what it was like to have to adjust the rabbit-ears on the TV to catch the end of Animaniacs.

Phonix – Kids tend to take interest in things if they feel like they’re a part of it. Don’t you wish you’d been named Phonix? We do.

Cliché – The visual appeal of “Chloe” with a meaning much closer to its intent.

Bloodclot – Destined to be a heartbreaker. Plus, how awesome would this look tattooed?

Elleimmeno – They’re going to have to learn the alphabet anyway and will likely think these are all one letter at the beginning. Give them a halfway point to work for. A sense that they’re a part of something 22 letters larger than themselves.

Pringela – Will she be a stripper? Probably. But who doesn’t love Pringles?

Nuvaregina – Why not name them after the contraceptive that apparently failed? (for boys, consider Nuvaringo)

Verb – If you hate English teachers, name your child this. It’ll add an extra week to their lesson plan having to explain that a Verb is sometimes a noun.

Dianarrhea – All the good parts of Diana, some of the good sounds of Maria, and all the enjoyment of putting unnecessary letters in names. Try not to laugh if she turns out to be a runner.

Tazer – Keep in mind, choosing this name would obligate the child to a spiky hairstyle.

Xilo – Believe it or not, this is actually an improvement on the name Milo.

Zima – If you don’t know the sex of your child, go with this one. Plus, think of all the clothing you can get with his/her name on it.

All I’m trying to say, is if your kid’s named Spyder and your dog’s named Charlie, you’ve got a problem. So parents, before you go diving into that book of baby names, take a moment to think about what kind of an impact this is going to have on your kid in the future. I shudder at the thought of some day having a Senator Biyankka Robitussin Smith.

Bottom line, every child needs a name. My suggestion: upon naming your child, also provide them with literature on how they can legally change it.